This ordeal, also referred to as "the CPU upgrade with increasingly lower expectations", did eventually end okay enough.
I initially hoped to go with the amazingly cheap (and awesome!) Xeon L5640 CPUs, but that fell through when the board failed to boot correctly with those particular CPUs installed. So I settled for two L5530 microprocessors from eBay. Unfortunately (are you getting the theme yet?) the seller canceled my order for two of them, apparently having burnt through his remaining stock of 9 and not being able to source a working pair (???). That was, at the time, the only remotely reasonably priced listing for L5530s. So as such the L5520 pair was ordered from another seller.
I did wind up forgetting for a while that the L5520 (and the L5530, AND the L5640... maybe the whole series?) has HyperThreading, so rediscovering that feature was a reasonably pleasant surprise.
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