What Every Therapy Client Should Know 04 - Widening Your Window of Tolerance
Hi, everyone. This is Lara Hammock from the Marble Jar Channel and this is the fourth video in a series where I share information that I think EVERY therapy client should know. In this video, I’ll talk about how to push open your window of tolerance (which I think is the whole point of therapy) and feel emotionally safe.
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In the last video, we talked about the window of tolerance and how I think widening the window is the whole point of therapy. So, how do you do this?
I think that the way you widen your window of tolerance is to do small, growth-oriented things that make you uncomfortable, over and over again. For example, if you were afraid of heights, in order to increase your window of tolerance, you would have to start small by climbing up a single step. You might have to climb up that single step multiple times before you don’t feel like jumping out of your skin. And then you would climb up the second step. And just like that, literally one step at a time, you push open your window of tolerance a little wider. The tiny steps you choose should be specific to your overall goals.
Here are some examples of small, uncomfortable, growth-oriented steps:
People Pleasers - will feel uncomfortable saying “no” to even an inconsequential request
Fixers - will feel anxious while hearing someone’s problems without offering a solution
Perfectionists - will find it difficult to make even a small mistake or take a small risk
Emotionally Avoidant People - will feel uncomfortable talking about their feelings to even someone they know well
People with Hoarding tendencies - will feel anxiety getting rid of even small things
Emotionally Volatile People - will be uncomfortable not expressing even a minor emotion that they feel
You get the picture. Pushing the window of tolerance wider requires each one of us to determine where our growth edge is and feel that discomfort while taking these tiny steps. Each step pushes the window of tolerance wider.
Window of Tolerance = Zone of Emotional Safety
The window of tolerance is not easy to open. It’s kind of like a window in an old house that has rusted shut. You need two things to open up that window: WD-40 and some muscle. The WD-40 that helps you open up this window is emotional safety. So what does it mean to feel emotionally safe? Well, it means that first you notice your feelings and then you allow yourself to feel anxious, sad, angry, disappointed, guilty, disgusted, irritable, scared, or stressed out. And you trust that those emotions won't kill you, won't go on forever, and that you can handle them even if they ARE incredibly intense. That your life won't splinter into a thousand pieces and that you will probably come out the other side a stronger and more resilient person. If we feel emotionally safe, then our nervous system can tolerate a wider range of scary and overwhelming things while still being able to think about consequences, function okay, and plan out next steps. We can use the WD-40 of emotional safety to grease the window so that we can use our muscle to push open the window of tolerance. And in this case, your emotional muscle helps you make a single, small, anxiety-producing step (like maybe saying “no” to a committee assignment), feel that inevitable discomfort, guilt, and self doubt, apply TONS of emotional safety and compassion to breathe your way through it, and notice that you survived AND you didn't have to do that committee assignment. Over and over and over again. Rinse, lather, and repeat.
It’s too bad we can’t just buy emotional safety in a can at the hardware store like we can WD-40. That would be a lot easier. Instead, we have to build it and there are two kinds. External and internal.
Join me in my next video when I talk about external emotional safety or trust. And let me know what you think. Comments are always appreciated and thanks for watching.
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